CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
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me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.