cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
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Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage