cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
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Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
We’ve come full circle
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.