Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
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If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people