Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
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how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.