Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

roses are red
i fall when i skate

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

buying dead houseplants to save time

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?