Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!