Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
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happy mother’s day❤️
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Deer are just ballerina dogs
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
How do you like your Corgi?
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.