Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
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Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣