Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
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[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.