Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
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Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.