Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.