Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
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Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
“How’s your day going?”
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
FRED: right
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?