[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
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When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.