Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

this is literally a CIA plant

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?