casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
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Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed