casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
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Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!