[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
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I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that