Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
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Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Dead sexy!!
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea