casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
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*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT