casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
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The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Breaking news:
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.