[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
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“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
boat question
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Follow me for more life hacks.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.