cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
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5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do