CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

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[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business


Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*


I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”


“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday


How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War


A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.


For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.


Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.


“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.


[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*