CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
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I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Does this dress make me look cat?
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%