Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
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Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.