[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
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Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
yes… yes…
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.