Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
You Might Also Like
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”