[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
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When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Imma just leave this here…………
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener