CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
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Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.