[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
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People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
You can’t outrun your problems…
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?