[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
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5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Breaking news:
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
wow he looks just like him
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could