Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
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Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.