[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
You Might Also Like
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works