Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
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A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.