Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
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Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
#CoronaOutbreak
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.