Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
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That stupid look on my face, is my face
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
is nasa ok
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that