cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
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Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree