cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
You Might Also Like
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)