*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
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“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
When news reporters do sports stories
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth