@tjcirimele

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

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@SortaSarcastic

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

@WheelTod

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

@lurve_meh

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

@ArfMeasures

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

@NYC_Blonde

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

@DrunjAF

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

@AndyAsAdjective

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

@Cheeseboy22

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.