90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
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Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
*gets off on a technicality