@SortaSarcastic 90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
@tjcirimele *cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
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@SortaSarcastic 
@WheelTod Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
@lurve_meh It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
@ArfMeasures “We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
@NYC_Blonde Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
@DrunjAF My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
@causticbob #parenting
@AndyAsAdjective [1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
@Cheeseboy22 I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
@Shade510 *gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.