Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
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[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Girl, same.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!