CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
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My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I put the mess in domestic.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.