Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
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“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.