[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
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If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
a lot to unpack here
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.