Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
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date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.