cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
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*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.