cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
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Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty