Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
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The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
My love language is hissing.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
All excellent questions
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.