cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
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It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.