CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
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If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
you stereotypes are all alike