Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
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The “baby” on the left….
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Buying a well is money well spent.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?