Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

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*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.


I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.


Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?


*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*


Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.


When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice


Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings


Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.


The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.