*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
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I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.