Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
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Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will