cat vs inanimate object
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I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.