Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
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Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.